Nutz and Boltz

These are just the crazy things people tell me

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Go to the mattresses…

Written by Stefanie and edited by Mary. Just like grad school – only funnier. 

Yes, the pun is intended. For anyone who has seen The Godfather or You’ve Got Mail, you know that this means war. It’s not personal, it’s business. Bedsider and I are going to have a West Side Story-style rumble. And if they call dancing – I…call…dancing. 

Bedsider just launched this SexFails confessions thingy where you can confess your funniest, most embarrassing sex fail in 140 characters or less.  Let me repeat, it is a place to post your awkward sex stories. It’s like the internet doesn’t even need me anymore. Why tell Stefanie your crazy stories when you can confess them anonymously and you get to come up with your own code name?!  Looks like I’m going to start writing travel blog. I hear Tel Aviv is beautiful this time of year…

But, wait. A light. A glimmer of hope. Stories can only be 140 characters! That is barely enough room for “The story goes like this.” Sex Fails and I can peacefully co-exist. There is room for both of us on this world-wide web. I don’t have to pretend to hate Bedsider even though it is the coolest thing I have ever seen. Thank the baby Jesus!

In honor of this revelation and our beautiful co-existence, one of my favorite stories ever:

Polly Pocket Has a Little Too Much Fun

Originally published on on November 6th, 2009

The other night I received a frantic phone call from Polly Pocket. I should preface this entire conversation with the fact that I had already been asleep for 2 hours.

Polly Pocket: “Did I wake you up?”

Me: “It’s after midnight—is everything okay?”

For those of you at home doing the math, I had gone to bed at 10:00pm. Don’t judge—it was a school night.

Polly Pocket: “I did something very, very bad.”

Me: “How bad are we talking?”

I was in that state of barely awake where your eyes are still closed and you could fall back to sleep at any moment.

Polly Pocket: “It has to do with sex.”

I bolted up in bed.

Me: “Did you have sex without a condom!? Are you pregnant!?”

Polly Pocket: “What? No! Leave it to you to jump to that conclusion.”

Me: “So what happened?”

Polly Pocket: “I told Nautical Boy I loved him, during sex.”

A little back story. Polly Pocket and Nautical Boy had been friends for about a year when they started having sex. A choice they made completely sober I might add. It worked for both of them. Neither one was looking for a relationship in general. And they didn’t have any interest in ever dating each other. It was the perfect setup.

“Oh. Do you love him?” I asked delicately.

Polly Pocket: “No!”

Me: “Are you sure? Because it would be okay it you loved him…”

Polly Pocket: “I don’t love him. Right after it came out I immediately said ‘I didn’t mean it. I take it back. I didn’t mean it.’ I could not retract fast enough.”

Me: “What did he say?”

Polly Pocket: “He just kept saying ‘It’s fine. Sometimes these things just come out during sex.’ But I don’t think it’s fine. Because if you are good friends, who have great sex, and say ‘I love you,’ that is a relationship.”

Me: “Well, do you want to start dating?”

Polly Pocket: “Remember that one time that I had no interest in dating Nautical Boy? That time is now.”

Me: “Well, no need to get all spicy about it. I was just checking.”

Polly Pocket: “Well I should go back to bed. He is going to wonder why it’s taking me so long to move my laundry.”

Me: “What? He is still in your bed? And you used laundry as an excuse to call me? ”

Polly Pocket: “Well yeah. I couldn’t say ‘Hey I’m going to call Stefanie and tell her about what just happened while we were having sex.’ He would think that’s creepy.”

These are just the crazy things people tell me.


Filed under sexreallystories

  1. bedsider reblogged this from nutzandboltz and added:
    So glad to see that Nutz and Boltz finally made peace with our Confessions app. As her post here demonstrates, there are...
  2. nutzandboltz posted this