Matchmaking Ain’t Nothin’ But a Family Thing: The Matchmaker Strikes Back
Originally posted on sexreally.com sometime during the first Obama Administration.
When we last engaged in this crazy dance called “Blog day,” I was in the car with Sunshine Girl and G Man. G Man was telling us a hilarious story about his mom trying to set him up with every girl on the face of the planet. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any funnier, Sunshine Girl chimed in with a story of her own.
I’m not going to sugar coat it—this story would be much easier if I had a family tree or a flow chart of some kind. But I don’t know how to make one and my intern doesn’t work today. So alas, we are going to have to use our imaginations. It’s gonna get a little dicey, but I have faith in us.
The story goes like this:
It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy…
[Knock at the door]
Lauren: “Stefanie, you have to actually write a blog. You can’t just quote Star Wars.”
Me: “Are you sure?”
Lauren: “I think they will notice, don’t you?”
Me: “Well, now they are going to notice. Fine, I’ll start again.”
The story really goes like this:
Sunshine Girl’s Aunt is forever trying to set her up with Same Guy. She will always approach Sunshine Girl the same way.
Aunt Sunshine: “Sunshine Girl, I know this great guy for you!”
Sunshine Girl: “Uh-huh…”
Aunt Sunshine: “He is just about your age, he loves to travel, and he speaks fluent French, just like you!”
Sunshine Girl starts to realize that her Aunt has pitched Same Guy before. She is about to wildly object when Uncle Sunshine saves her.
Uncle Sunshine: “Stop trying to set them up. They’re related!!”
Aunt Sunshine: “They aren’t blood-related. He’s my sister’s son!”
Uncle Sunshine: “They are second cousins! This isn’t a Jane Austen novel. She can’t marry her second cousin.”
Aunt Sunshine: “Oh, I always forget they are related.”
Cut back to our car:
G Man: “What, what, what is she doing!?
Me: “How does she keep forgetting you’re related?”
Sunshine Girl: “See, what had happened was my mom’s brother and cousin, Uncle Sunshine and Cousin Sunshine married two sisters. Those two sisters became Aunt Sunshine and Sister Sunshine. Sister Sunshine and Cousin Sunshine had a son, Same Guy, and divorced soon after. They both remarried rather quickly. So sometimes she forgets that Same Guy’s dad is my Mom’s cousin.”
Me: “ I… but… and she… more than once?”
Sunshine Girl: “Yes, we have this conversation at least once a year.”
G Man: “Well the good news is she’s trying to find you a nice guy. The bad news is he might be related to you.”
Me: “Well, at least he isn’t your twin brother who you were separated from when your father turned to the dark side.”
Sunshine Girl and G Man just stared at me.
Me: “Star Wars, people. Luke and Leia from Star Wars!”
These are just the crazy ways I respond to people’s bizarre family histories.