Nutz and Boltz

These are just the crazy things people tell me

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The Two Tales of Tinder

Written by Stefanie and edited by Mary. Just like grad school- only funnier. 

I know that last time I wrote an original piece was sometime back in the mid 90s. Sorr, things have been busy. But one of my New Year’s goals – yeah we are making that a thing – was to blog more. But I digress. This is the story of Peter Piper, Peter Pan, Tinder, and why we can’t have nice things.

Names and places have been changed to protect the guilty. Some of the texts have been altered just for the funny.

12:20am

Peter Piper: Hahahaha we matched on Tinder. Heeeeeyyuuu hotttiiieee.

9:00am

Otherwise known as a decent hour to send someone a text message. You should know that nothing makes me smile like reading a drunk text the morning after it’s sent. For one, it didn’t wake me up from a deep sleep so I’m already 100% more likely to find it funny. Second, it can be high comedy. Third, Peter Piper has a reputation for producing some fairly hilarious phone-related drunken masterpieces. 

Me: Heeeeeyyyyyy boy, I’m assuming you were trying to text another Stefanie. I’m not on Tinder nor are we in the same area. But this text was the highlight of my morning.

Peter Piper: Dude I saw you last night. Your picture was on there. That’s why I texted! It was hilarious.

And this is where I start to panic. I’m not on Tinder! I’ve never been on Tinder! I can’t even handle having a Twitter account. Tinder is WAY too advanced for me. But maybe this is some kind of mistake? I investigate further.

Me: What?!?

Peter Piper: You were on a swing or something. You looked like you were having fun.

Now for most people this would be reassuring. “Oh, couldn’t have been me. I haven’t been on a swing in years!” Not so much for me. I mentally scrolled through all the pictures of me on swings that could be on Facebook. “Well, there’s the one from Croatia…and the one from Central Park…and the one from camping. God, I hope it’s not that one. I hadn’t showered in like 4 days.” And now I’m concerned that my fake Tinder profile has an unflattering picture.

Me: I don’t have Tinder!

Peter Piper: Weird!!!

Me: That is why this is soooo weird.

Peter Piper: Meant to be. LOL.

Me: How did we get matched when you live so far away? Can you take a screenshot and send it to me?

I’m now at level red panic mode. How did this happen? How drunk were you last night that you thought you got matched with me on Tinder? And are you still drunk? WHAT IS GOING ON?

Peter Piper: Ok

image

Why are you sending me God’s twitter account?

Me: What?

Peter Piper: It was a joke!

 Me: Oh! Wait, the whole thing? Sometimes I don’t get things before 10am. Especially without coffee.

Peter Piper: No, the God thing was a joke. I saw you on Tinder. Go back to bed.

I still haven’t figured out how the hell this happened but I have two theories. One, he was so drunk he thought some curly-haired girl was me. Two, there is a Stefanie Tinder-Doppelganger running around another state getting all kinds of action. I really hope it is the latter.

If you thought I should be more shocked at the subject matter of this conversation you should know two things. One, I talk about sex for a living. Two, this is not the first gentleman in my life to causally text about Tinder at zero dark thirty. This other time I was horrified. Nay, outraged.

1:30am

It’s a Saturday night. I am shockingly up and at party. I know, I know.

Peter Pan: Hey, do you know about Tinder?

This is the internal and not so internal monologue that followed.

Internal: Why the hell is he texting me at 1:30am about Grinder? Yes, I know what Grinder is. Oh, it says Tinder. What the hell is that?

Me, querying the party at large: Does anyone know what Tinder is? No?

Internal: I guess I will Google it. [Search results appear] Tinder is the new app for casual sex in your immediate area.

WHAT THE FUCK.

I did not text him back. Though I did get a text the next day asking why I didn’t text him back. I calmly explained that a lady does not text about Tinder at 1:30am. Not even one who talks about sex for a living.

This is why we can’t have nice things.  

Filed under tinder Stefanie's Awkward Life zerodarkthursday

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datethisnotthat:

look before you leap. am i right?

3 notes

datethisnotthat:

Well… I think I’m hilarious.

Happy Halloween!

Brilliant. 

5 notes

datethisnotthat:

THEY. EAT. BRAINS.

for real.

don’t do it.

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The Siege: Flirting as Hostile Takeover

Written by Stefanie and edited by Mary. Just like grad school- only funnier.


This report came to me from one of my many operatives in the field. They risk their lives to go behind enemy lines and collect vital intel. Meaning: They wait in line for beer at Nationals Stadium and eavesdrop. But the first one sounds so much more interesting, right? I really think I missed my calling as a spy. Except that I don’t like running…or guns, and I’m pretty bad at keeping secrets. But where was I? Oh right, getting ready to tell you about flirting as hostile takeover.

Field Report from Agent Standing In Line

At 16:00 hours Eastern Standard Time, the following conversation occurred between two possible assets.

Asset One: “He just kept texting her and texting her until he was a part of her life”.

In order to gain their trust and use them for information in the future, I made contact with the assets. “Wow, whatever you are talking about sounds terrifying.”

Asset Two: “We have a friend who met a bartender he wanted to date, but she had a boyfriend of about three years. He chatted her up long enough to get her phone number. Then, he just started texting her…all the time. He texted her every day, she texted back, just making small talk…until he was a part of her life.”

“What do you mean ‘part of her life’?” I asked, half riveted, half-terrified. They continued:

Asset One: “Well, he texted her all the time, and then one day he just stopped. Things had gone so far, she couldn’t help but wonder why she hadn’t heard from him. She worried about him, and inevitably became insecure about why they weren’t talking. When that happened, he knew he was a part of her life. It’s called The Siege.”

Bros have capitalized on emerging technology to spread their message beyond the bar they happen to be standing in. In addition, it has changed the power dynamics in the region. In the old world order, standard protocol would be for the Recruit to ignore the texts until the Recruiter got bored. Not the case here. The Recruit actively engaged in covert communication until she dumped the boyfriend of three years, and started dating Texty McGee…I mean the Recruiter.  

In conclusion,  men of the world have new tactic - The Siege. Ladies of the world, there is hope for you yet. You could find yourself happily in a relationship when, one day, a guy meets you, gets your number, texts you incessantly, steals you from your boyfriend, and keeps the luck of The Siege going.

What will they think of next?

 

Filed under Reports from the field

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Brainstorming the next book idea

adulting:

Me: i wish i could just write “things that are bullshit”

Editor Meredith: so many things are bullshit

Me: SO MANY
chapter one: stupid trend pieces that get angry at 20-something women for being 20-something women
chapter two: the wedding industrial complex
chapter three: people who don’t spay and neuter their pets
chapter four: gnats
chapter five: why can’t i keep sheets looking nice?
chapter six: misogyny

I would by this book. Nay, I would contribute a chapter to this book.