Matchmaking Ain’t Nothin’ But a Family Thing: Return of the Yenta
Originally posted on sexreally.com while I was still in grad school.
Well friends, here we are at the end of our little trilogy. I know you are as surprised as I am that I was able to blog about matchmaking and Star Wars for three weeks straight (four if you count the prologue). Let’s just say it is a testament to my nerdiness… I mean, to my diverse taste in movies. Also to a childhood spent with Little Buddy. You should ask him about the time I beat him at Star Wars Trivial Pursuit. Who da man? This guy!
Anywho, I’m sure you were a little nervous about me meddling with such a notable cultural icon; I shared your anxiety. I would wake up in the middle of the night in a panic: “What if they don’t get it? What if I can’t remember the plot to Star Wars? What if Jabba the Hut freezes me in carbon and there is no one to finish the blog!?!?” Luckily, you seem to get it, I couldn’t forget the plot to Star Wars if I tried, and someone would totally finish the blog if Jabba the Hut froze me in carbon. You would, right?
So without further ado, Return of the Yenta. (Please cue epic music.)
Little Miss Witty returned from her home town having narrowly escaped the clutches of her mother, who is constantly trying to set her up with boys she deems “nice.” Little did she know, her mother had secretly begun construction on a new armored space station even more powerful than the first Death Star. I mean … crafting a new plan to marry her off. Same difference, really.
Me: “How was your trip?”
Little Miss Witty: “Good! I got to see a lot of friends.”
Me: “How is your mom?”
Little Miss Witty: “Yentaing.”
Me: “Are we using that as a verb now?”
Little Miss Witty: “It has become a whole new thing.”
The story goes like this:
Mama Witty is always emailing Little Miss Witty something along the lines of “You should go out with this boy. He lives in DC and I gave his mother your email.” You would think the fact that they lived in different states would deter her—not so much. Little Miss Witty found this embarrassing—nay, mortifying—and asked her mother, repeatedly, to stop. She did not… until recently.
Lately Mama Witty had been restraining her yentaing ways and Little Miss Witty was claiming victory. She had won! Her mother was finally listening to her! No more emails about boys she should date! But just when she was about to count Mama Witty down and out, the yenta returned. And nothing could prepare Little Miss Witty for her mother’ s new strategy: Date men who had sons in their twenties… in order to set them up with her daughter.
Cut back to us:
Me: “She’s dating men with sons in order to set you up with them?”
Little Miss Witty: “She doesn’t care if she actually likes these men. If they have a cute son, she is in it to win it.”
Me: “Wow, I can’t decide whether she is a genius or out of her mind.”
Little Miss Witty: “It’s a toss up…”
Me: “Your mom takes ‘Do or do not. There is no try’ to a whole new level.”
Little Miss Witty: “Like I said, it’s a whole new thing.”
Me: “Well you will either get the brother you always wanted or a husband.”
Little Miss Witty: “Or both. Yuck—this can’t end well.”
Me: “May the force be with you…”
Little Miss Witty: “I’m going to need a lot more than the force.”
Me: “You can always join the dark side and take over the galaxy.”
Little Miss Witty: “I need real advice! Not ‘I’m going to use Star Wars references so I can put this in my blog’ advice.”
Me: “Star Wars is the only thing I’m selling today.”
These are the crazy things I tell people when trying to make their story fit with my blog theme.
Matchmaking Ain’t Nothin’ But a Family Thing: The Matchmaker Strikes Back
Originally posted on sexreally.com sometime during the first Obama Administration.
When we last engaged in this crazy dance called “Blog day,” I was in the car with Sunshine Girl and G Man. G Man was telling us a hilarious story about his mom trying to set him up with every girl on the face of the planet. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any funnier, Sunshine Girl chimed in with a story of her own.
I’m not going to sugar coat it—this story would be much easier if I had a family tree or a flow chart of some kind. But I don’t know how to make one and my intern doesn’t work today. So alas, we are going to have to use our imaginations. It’s gonna get a little dicey, but I have faith in us.
The story goes like this:
It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star has been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy…
[Knock at the door]
Lauren: “Stefanie, you have to actually write a blog. You can’t just quote Star Wars.”
Me: “Are you sure?”
Lauren: “I think they will notice, don’t you?”
Me: “Well, now they are going to notice. Fine, I’ll start again.”
The story really goes like this:
Sunshine Girl’s Aunt is forever trying to set her up with Same Guy. She will always approach Sunshine Girl the same way.
Aunt Sunshine: “Sunshine Girl, I know this great guy for you!”
Sunshine Girl: “Uh-huh…”
Aunt Sunshine: “He is just about your age, he loves to travel, and he speaks fluent French, just like you!”
Sunshine Girl starts to realize that her Aunt has pitched Same Guy before. She is about to wildly object when Uncle Sunshine saves her.
Uncle Sunshine: “Stop trying to set them up. They’re related!!”
Aunt Sunshine: “They aren’t blood-related. He’s my sister’s son!”
Uncle Sunshine: “They are second cousins! This isn’t a Jane Austen novel. She can’t marry her second cousin.”
Aunt Sunshine: “Oh, I always forget they are related.”
Cut back to our car:
G Man: “What, what, what is she doing!?
Me: “How does she keep forgetting you’re related?”
Sunshine Girl: “See, what had happened was my mom’s brother and cousin, Uncle Sunshine and Cousin Sunshine married two sisters. Those two sisters became Aunt Sunshine and Sister Sunshine. Sister Sunshine and Cousin Sunshine had a son, Same Guy, and divorced soon after. They both remarried rather quickly. So sometimes she forgets that Same Guy’s dad is my Mom’s cousin.”
Me: “ I… but… and she… more than once?”
Sunshine Girl: “Yes, we have this conversation at least once a year.”
G Man: “Well the good news is she’s trying to find you a nice guy. The bad news is he might be related to you.”
Me: “Well, at least he isn’t your twin brother who you were separated from when your father turned to the dark side.”
Sunshine Girl and G Man just stared at me.
Me: “Star Wars, people. Luke and Leia from Star Wars!”
These are just the crazy ways I respond to people’s bizarre family histories.
#tbt Matchmaking Ain’t Nothin’ But a Family Thing: A New Hope (That You Won’t Die Alone)
Originally posted on sexreally.com
Everyone, I have a confession to make: I made a rookie mistake. I raised expectations about this “matchmaking” trilogy. It seemed like such a good idea at the time – write a little teaser post, worry about the content later. I now see the error of my ways. Expectations are high, people have been waiting, and the demand for funny is at premium (I was also called a “cock-tease” on Facebook, but that’s neither here nor there). What was I thinking? Did I learn nothing from George Lucas?! There is no changing it now, so here we go.
G Man’s mom is forever trying to set him up with girls. I should state for the record that G Man is a catch. Not just a “he’s a nice guy” catch, but legit hot. So, he probably doesn’t need the assistance of his mom to meet girls. But nevertheless, the woman is tenacious.
So a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… Okay, okay, you got me. Last week in the car:
G Man: “Ugh! So guess what—my mom is trying to sell me on a bridesmaid in my sister’s upcoming wedding.”
Sunshine Girl: “Oh yeah? What do you think? Do you like her? Do you even know her?”
G Man: “I mean, I’ve met her once or twice, but I’m not really interested.”
Me: “Why not?”
G Man: “She is like my little sister’s best friend. That is just weird. “
Me: “Does your mom do this often?”
G Man: “Oh, yeah. She talks about me to every girl she meets. She will call me randomly and say ‘A girl name Olivia is going to call you. I gave her your number, she seems really nice.’ It’s…awkward.”
Sunshine Girl: “Do they actually call!?”
G Man: “Sometimes they call. Sometimes they friend me on Facebook…”
Me: “Excuse me? Is there something you would like to share with the class?”
G Man: “Maaaaybeeee… “
The something G Man shared with the class was this:
G Man was surfing the interwebz when he got a friend request from someone he didn’t recognize. He looked at her profile and saw that she was hot. Maybe he did know her? She could be a friend of a friend, right? He didn’t want to be rude, so he confirmed her friend request.
A couple hours later, she “poked” him. So he “poked “her back. I mean, it would be rude not to return a poke, right? But he still had no idea who she was.
The next day, she” poked” him again. At this point, he reasoned, it was getting ridiculous. So he sent her a message.
G Man: Hey! I feel like a total jerk, but I can’t remember how we know each other? Do we have mutual friends?
Facebook Girl: Hi! You aren’t a jerk, we don’t actually know each other. I work with your mom. She talks about you all the time. So I thought I would friend you on Facebook.
They then continued to message back and forth for the next week.
Cut back to the car:
Sunshine: “Isn’t that a little creepy?”
G Man: “You would think it would be, but it’s not.”
Me: “So what you are saying is she’s really hot.”
G Man: “Yes.”
Me: “You get away with a lot when you are attractive.”
G Man: “That is really true.”
Sunshine Girl: “Your mom is the best wing man ever.”
G Man: “Yeah she is—Facebook Girl and I are going on a date next week.”
Me: “Dude, the force is strong with your mom. She Jedi-mind-tricked you into dating a girl she picked for you!”
Sunshine Girl, waving her hand in G Man’s face: “This is totally the droid you seek.”
G Man: “Did you two just quote Star Wars to me?”
Me: “It’s amazing that we’re single.”
These are just the crazy things people tell me.
When the Tea Party loses all of their big primaries
Toby: By and large, I’m not wild about musicals.
C.J.: Let me explain something to you. This is sort of my field. The people on these sites? They’re the cast of One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest. The muu-muu-wearing Parliament smoker? That’s Nurse Ratched. When Nurse Ratched is unhappy, the patients are unhappy. You? You’re McMurphy. You swoop in with your card games and fishing trips…I’m Chief Bromden, yes, at this particular moment. I’m assigning an intern from the press office to that website. They’re going to check it every night before they go home. If they discover you’ve been there I’m going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass.
When he says he loves running